When we were young we would make time capsules. I know where my brother Joel hid his, it is under a huge rock at the park we went to growing up. He dug a deep hole in the front of the rock on the left side. I know where I hid mine, it was in Carol Murphys backyard, there was a loose stone in the wall and I tucked it back in there. I have always loved the idea of leaving something behind to find years from now. I am trying to finish an album of my childhood so I have been sorting through all of the things I have saved over the past years. Today I came across a list and it felt just like a time capsule. I was 19 when I got married and was afraid that my identity was over. Not at all because of Steve but because I had never met a woman who was married and had interests or even a personality of her own. That sounds terrible to say but it is true. Or at least my perception felt true. My mom read but they were books my father was interested in, she would sew, crochet and knit but it was always gifts for us. Especially in my teen years I wanted to see what she was interested in, find out who she was but I would go away feeling like in the midst of having kids she completely lost herself. She did not pursue any friendships. If you had asked me back then to describe what my father was interested in you would be there for an hour and I would still be talking about who he was. If you then asked me about my mom, well everyone who knows her thinks the world of her, she is sweet as can be, and selfless, even last week a stranger came up to me at church and asked me if I was Billie Jean's daughter and went on to tell me some story about the kindness of my mother. So growing up she was always on a pedestal but at the same time I wanted more than that: I wanted to know her as a person, to see her filled with joy in some avenue of life. So I would have trouble describing her interests. I called my mom and talked to her about this post just to make sure she was completely okay with me talking about it. 
I did not know until I had my own children that making things for your children is a hobby, it is not altogether selfless because the process is so rewarding. There is art in picking out the colors and the fabrics and the expectation of joy in the moment when the child will see it and then the fun of watching the child enjoy what you created. I did not know until I had my own children that my mom was an artist. Even though it was for someone else, it was a creative outlet and an expression of her. 
That first year of marriage I made a list of all the things I was interested in, all the things that I felt defined who I was as a person. I would refer to the list whenever the old fears would surface. In truth, the first five years were good. None of those fears were realized. Steve and I both grew a lot and had freedom to pursue our interests. Five years later, pregnant with Jeff, I was convinced, "This is it, this is when I lose everything. Marriage has been wonderful, so it must be kids that does it." The sisters and I made a list together one afternoon. It lists about twenty five things we all loved at that time. Have you ever made a list like that? (post it I would love to read it!) Now ten years later I found our list, We all had totally forgotten about it. It really was like a time capsule because we have changed so much. It was hilarious to read it! I facebooked it to Juls and Jan and we all loved comparing how we have changed and what has stayed the same. So today I am working on a new list. The sisters are going to do the same so we can tuck it away for another ten years. Some things that have struck me, things that I have been thinking about all day: My list now, 15 years later than my first list, is much shorter. I am coming into my own more and understanding what it is that I really do love and not spreading myself thin in other areas. I am narrowing it down. My life is more simple in those regards. The core list has not changed, there are things that I have loved since I can remember and I believe they will be on my list ten years from now, forty years from now. I am sure that is true for all of us...who we were at thirteen is for the most part still us today. From as far back as my memory goes, and on all of my lists Photography was at the top. Quotes, reading, antiques, were on every list. Decorating, cooking, nature are a few more. And India has always been there. I love other cultures, but especially India. Steve worked with a great woman named Varsha, and she invited me to go to a dance recital with her. That is where these photos are from. The music, smells and food were all so so good! Another thought that has been running through my mind is that the things on the list are not, after all, what makes me happy. What I was so afraid of when I was 19 is now what I know makes me the most happy. Sitting with my children and reading to them, looking them in the eye and listening to what is on their mind, hugging them, holding their hand, creating traditions for them, surprising them, hearing my husband laugh, sharing a book with Steve, talking late into the night, following Steve. Experiences with people go deeper than creating and pursuing interests and do more to help me feel grounded and alive than any other interest. I am not following the same exact footprints as my mother--I do have friendships that I pursue. There are books that I read purely for entertainment and for the joy of reading. I have art in my life that has nothing to do with the children but I have found the joy in including them so they are next to me creating their own thing. My kids see my personality and I love to foster theirs. I am learning the balance of entering into their little worlds and showing them windows into mine. I still fight the guilt because it feels selfish at times but I work past it for Chloe's sake, for Ethi's sake and I stumble each day through my "new normal". 
 
"I tell you the more I think, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people." --Van Gogh in a letter to his brother | 
