This is Jeff's "velveteen rabbit" that I made for him a handful of years ago.  I am happy that he still sleeps with it and will be sad when he stops.  Every animal I make for them has a little note I wrote to the one I made it for. The note gets tucked inside of the stuffing, I tell my kids that the note is what brings the animal to life.

Wal-mart sells a laminating machine made by Scotch, my mind took off with ideas when I saw it.  One of the ideas was to make a memory game for the kids.  The kids had fun running around and collecting their favorite stuffed animals and a few toys. They all hovered around me as we did a very special photoshoot.  The whole project cost less than ten dollars (not counting the cost of the machine $24).  Steve even got in on the action and was helping me pose some of the "models" and said he wants to play it with the kids which will make them love it so much more.

My friend Lisa and her son playing on Chloe's Dance dance revolution game.  Steve is trying to "cool up" Coco and wants her to like video games so he bought this for her and I.

Chloe sat by me as I made my grocery shopping list, sometimes she made up her own words and others she would ask me how to spell, and I thought what I think almost every occasion like this "I love having a little girl" she is so content to just be near me and copy whatever I am doing.

I stayed home, took pictures of a few things my eyes fell on during the day, a bowl my sister bought me from Anthropology I see it as I go down the stairs every day, I put a nest and two eggs inside. The red and the blue together inspires me.  Also an antique doll from one of the Grandmothers.

Etienne wanted to wear a tie to church and he wanted to pick it out.

Steve works for a large company and has been there since we were engaged(14 years).  He was a database programmer and for the past few years was a web designer.

On the day this photo was taken, his position was eliminated, and my whole frame of reference shifted.  This job is all we have ever known.  I knew in this current economy, thousands of people have lost their jobs, but I thought Steve would be safe--they had given him high profile projects...and this sort of things happens to other people. 

You know when you fly the stewardess stands in the aisle and directs you what to do in case of an emergency?  I had nothing like that, no mental preparation of what to do when you life is suddenly upside down.  I so badly wanted to call someone, anyone, to hear "It is going to be alright, here is the plan, here is the hope, here is how to make sense of it and how you will get through it."

Steve had to wait until 3 in the afternoon to have his meeting, it was with a different boss because the company wanted to make it clear that the position was eliminated and it had nothing to do with his performance. 

Steve called and told me after his meeting and said "It's not so bad when its with you."

I found myself trying to put the broom in the fridge and the milk in the broom closet and mindless things like that.

I was home pacing the floors and knew the kids were watching, and knew I had to be strong for Steve so I jotted down my survival plan, of things to do before Steve got home.

Read Psalm 23

Pray for other people so I won't be so caught up with myself

Sing hymns

Read Bible verses that will bring me back to the truth

Paint with the kids so that I will be with them

Hug the kids

Read to the kids

Clean

Make something for someone else

Smile  (it feels really weird to smile when you insides are in a panic)

Play good music.

They really did help.  Especially reading and praying, I wish I could always pray like I do when I am so scared, and I wish the Bible was always that alive.

I love this line from the movie Fireproof  "Don't follow your heart, it will deceive you.  Lead it."  My thoughts have been all over the place, and trying to wrap my mind around what is happening in our life right now is like training it to think in a new language.

I went back to something I did as a teenager, I wrote a letter to myself.  I have not been able to trust my responses, and needed get put myself up against the wall and preach to my heart.   I share this part of my journal here hoping that someone out there who might be in their own upside world will know they are not alone and that there is help.

"What do I believe?  God is my rock, He is sovereign His eye is on the sparrow His eye is also on me.  He calls me to be content in ALL things, Paul sang in the prisons, I can and will worship God in this.  I will praise God, and not turn away from my true strength. when I am scared I will hide under His wings.  When it does not make sense, or feels like it is too much, I will turn to the true physician, to my counselor, He will whisper truths to me, He will lift my face.  This testing will bring about patience and the patience will lead to character and then hope and I WILL NOT LET GO OF THAT.  I will not let this pass and just hold my breath.  Lord I want what You have for me in this, I want the lessons, what do You want me to see? Keep me here until I have learned it.  Teach me Lord, I am weak, show me Your truth, I am open, I will stay vulnerable, please don't pass me by."

And then I wrote, and it was not easy, all my fears.

If we lose the house I will still praise You

If the kids cannot go to this school  I will still praise You

If we lose the van  I will still praise You

I just kept going filling the page with my fears and handing them over...

I read this past week a quote that says "Crisis shows us what we have become." -Westcott

Watching Steve handle this "crisis",  my fingers are hovering over the keys,  I don't know where to begin.  The reputation he had at that company, what I have heard from his co-workers and how he has handled this blows me away.  Here is an example, he wrote a letter saying goodbye to his co-workers and thanked them for the various projects he was able to work on and then ended it by telling them why he was not scared, because he believes in Jesus.  Steve has been productive and finds work to do at  home 9-5, I think he is "putting in more hours" than before, working on his resume making phone calls, filling out forms etc.  I know very few people with a work ethic like Steve's.  I have no idea what is around the corner at this point but I can say that I am so glad I get to follow this man.